You know what? Blogging is work. I mean, it's work, like. . .in a good way. But still. It requires a level of commitment that is tough sometimes.
My blog has become a good friend. A loyal one, too, that patiently waits for me to finish my thoughts and complete my sentences. She doesn't limit me to certain word counts nor does it offend her when I drop the occasional F-bomb.
Nope.
But again. Like any really meaningful relationship, it calls for some sacrifice. And that's hard when other parts of your life call for it, too.
Over the last six months or so, my life got even busier than it had been before. I began tinkering with writing a book along with a lot of other stuff in my professional and personal lives that have called for more of my time. So I'd start blog posts and leave them sitting like half eaten sandwiches in elementary school lunch boxes. Perfectly good to eat but, after a while, overshadowed by something else on the menu.
Yup.
Per the stats, the readership went down. Significantly from what the counters showed me and, at first, I felt guilty about it. I would worry that I needed to write something but would argue with myself that I'd promised never to fold this into the list of life's burdensome demands. So yeah. With larger spaces between posts, the numbers crept down more. And here lately I'm realizing that ,for the most part, it has to be cool. Not cool as in "I don't care" but cool because it's just the way of this kind of world and a nice little reminder that writing has to come from a genuine, courageous and honest place. Not one that's forced or that clamors for comments or hits on a post.
Wait. I take that back. For those who blog for a living, they should consider that. But since I don't, I suppose it's good for grounding me a bit, you know? And as I think of it, that probably happens to a lot of bloggers who've been at this longer than me. And so. I've been pondering all of that. And I feel myself plugging back in to the reason I first felt so hungry to write here in the first place.
The other day I refreshed my stats and comments page before going to bed and saw a sagging three-digit number of hits for a twenty four hour period. And zero comments. Then I thought of some of my favorite blogs over the years and how they started to dwindle at some point. I checked in several times in a row and saw no activity and eventually just stopped checking. Just maybe, they exist somewhere again but since I no longer look, I don't know it.
Yeah.
I also recall how much time I've spent savoring the delicious words of so many of my fellow bloggers and how they'd become real, true friends, albeit virtual ones. On a lot of the days where I just can't finish out my whole thoughts into my own blog, I silently savor theirs. But when life gets really busy, even that is hard. So I lose my grasp on that part of the "blog world" as well.
Yep.
I guess I'm just rambling about this because blogging is such an interesting reality. It's communal yet lonely at the same time. It's like talking to a bunch of friends and babbling in a corner by yourself simultaneously. Which evokes an equally pendulous set of emotions if you engage in it. I do think it's much realer than a lot of other forms of social media and, though more time consuming, a lot more rewarding.
For me, at least. On most days, that is.
So despite the complexities, I am feeling very grateful tonight. To this platform and to any person who has even read here a single time. Because all of it--the collective--has saved my life over and over and over again. It has helped me to remove many masks and pull the covers back on the me that hides from even myself. It has given me solace during my darkest days and a midnight canvas for bursting fireworks in vivid colors with each triumph. I've found refuge here when insecure, bored, afraid, confused, and conflicted. And on those days that started out with me flying on one gimpy wing, I turned to this, the written word, and found myself lifted high into the clouds on a brand new pair.
And soar, I do.
And so. Today I regroup. I return to my blog as a steadfast friend. . . just as I have since 2009. The one who forgives my imperfections and inconsistency. The one who was easy to fall in love with because of her paucity of rules and regulations and her gentle nudges to live a life filled with more intention and authenticity.
So I will write. No matter what. When I can. How I can. So I can.
But especially so I can read it.
Yeah.
***
Happy Monday.
I hope you never stop blogging. I love your writing.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate those words. Writing feels right to me. I am glad that you're here. It's affirming.
DeleteFwiw I follow a number of blogs, and yours is one of the few that truly resonates at a deep level for me. I find myself thinking about things you've said days and weeks later. I'm glad I found your blog, and I don't mind waiting in between posts. Frankly, I'm amazed that you find the time to write given how busy you are with work and family.
ReplyDeleteStephbo--thank you. I appreciate that. You know? I've had about 1500 posts to date which is actually nothing compared to some of my friends like Elizabeth, 37paddington, and Ms. Moon. But honestly, it astounds me, too. I mean, that I've stuck with it, you know? I'm amazed that busy people take the time to read it. Ha.
DeleteWe write for the record, for sanity, to see ourselves whole. You're so right, we write so we can read it. But then came all these other gifts, the people, the sense of community, the love. It's harder when life gets busy to hold up our end of the conversation. And yet here we are, together. I am glad you are here. Write when and how you can. Write what you need. I'll be here. Loving you.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. Yes. For the record. I cannot tell you how many times I've quietly sat and reread the posts from the night Deanna passed into that following year. I weep and weep, perhaps because of the kindness of "strangers" in this community as much as missing her. It's amazing, really.
DeleteYou know I am loving you, too. This you know.
It ebbs and flows -- the blogging. But I imagine the core of us are always here, checking in. Your words -- even down to the cadence -- are in my head forever. So is the way I look at doctors. And do you know -- I even look to run into your dad out here -- or your boys at "camp!" Keep writing, and I'll keep coming!
ReplyDeleteThis is what I think about you, too Which is pretty awesome. I read articles on medical uses for cannibis or encounter families navigating some disability and I have a new perspective. I think about the elegance and boldness you have in your writing, your living. Camp PaPa is com ing sooooon.
DeleteI always read yours...although I rarely comment and so this is a good reminder. I'm glad you'll keep going. Also: I've run two half marathons this year and have a third planned this month. Have though of you of course. But don't have enough stamina at the end for a jumping pic. ;)
ReplyDeleteThis delights me. The idea that a jumping pic has even crossed your mind! Ha! Yes. I will keep on indeed and appreciate you being in this community. And as I tell myself to never allow this to have too many rules, know that the same applies to comments. :)
DeleteI faithfully read your blog every time there is a post. I don't comment often, but I find myself thinking about your posts throughout the day. And telling people about them. I started reading your blog when my son decided he might want to go to medical school, and I wanted to know more about life as a doctor. He ended up going to physical therapy school (graduates August 2, hooray!), but your blog is the only doctor blog I still read. Because it's real. And so are you! Thanks for all the insights and laughs! Sassy
ReplyDeleteI too think about and talk about your posts long after you've written them. My husband knows you as the Dr. from Atlanta, not because he's read any (other than the posts I forward him and explicitly ask him to read) posts, but because I find myself talking to him about things that you've written and how they've resonated with me. My twins were born at 27 weeks and with that came along a boatload of consequences and varying experiences with hospitals, doctors, nurses, etc. I found myself thinking about what you've written about your students, residents, and interns and always reminded myself that you are on the front line and have assured us that kind, intelligent, curious, and humane doctors are the future. In those dark moments (I'm looking at you 3rd shunt change because of hospital acquired infection) I always tried to remember that good indeed surrounds us and I just had to look for it. I guess this is a long way of saying that no matter the frequency of your writing, your impact goes long and very deep. Thank you a million times over. Rebecca
ReplyDeleteI think that Angella said exactly what I feel about blogging. I often, often write myself out of a bad, hard place or at least into a place of some light and that is gift enough. But then to have people who write me and say, "Yes. I know too,"- that is amazing. We share our words, our hearts, our lives. And for me, that is enough. This sharing. We all learn from each other. We all gain perspectives we would not have. All the while working out our own feelings and situations.
ReplyDeleteWrite when you feel like it, dear woman. We are here.
You will read, and I will read. It makes me feel closer to you.
ReplyDeleteXOXO,
Biz
A somewhat new reader, but just wanted to comment to encourage you to please keep writing. The world needs more physician mentors like you. In the midst of my own tough residency experience I find comfort in your blog-to know that it is ok to feel all sorts of emotions about the human side of medicine-the part that makes it such an awesome profession. I think at too many medical schools and programs this is a lost concept. So thank you for reminding me why I love this field even on the toughest of days.....
ReplyDeleteI always come back and catch up on your posts, Dr. Manning...it doesn't matter how frequently or how seldom you post. Lots of times I go back to old posts to remember something you said. You have a wonderful body of work here that you've already written. Your beautiful boys will grow up fast, so don't worry about keeping everything in your life going full steam...we'll still be here cheering you on every step of the way. :)
ReplyDelete-Lena
Please don't ever stop writing! I am deeply encouraged by how honest, real, and genuine you are.
ReplyDelete