The Crossing of the Super Cross Crossing Guard.

Warning: Totally ridiculous and non-medically related post ahead. Proceed with caution.

 

Dude. My life is just one big Seinfeld episode. Why? Because I not only bear witness to the most ridiculous every day things--I also deeply appreciate them. Like, totally.

Maaaaan, so check it. I was driving down the street on my way to drop Isaiah off at school. Simple enough, right? And let me just say that when driving from my home to Isaiah's school, I have to pass something like seven hundred trillion other schools, public, private and otherwise, to get there. So, yeah, that means traffic and it means kids walking with their ginormous backpac-ity and even some parents with bicycles built for two all throughout the commute.

Mmmm hmmm.

And, okay, maybe it isn't like seven hundred trillion schools public, private, and otherwise, but I do have to roll through a substantial number of school-related traffic for what I think is far more schools in an eight mile radius than the average person. So really my point in saying all of this is that what I witnessed could have been on one of maybe eight crosswalks in in-town Atlanta, so that's my disclaimery way of saying to any and every crossing guard who might be reading this, particularly those from the ATL, that this does NOT mean I'm talking about you or your crossing guard cohorts. But hypothetically, I could be.

Mmmm hmmm.

Okay. So here we are. Me, Isaiah, and a crap-ton of freaked out Atlanta parents eking through bumper to bumper mayhem trying to make it into the carpool lane on time. And mostly, we just talk in the car about our day and what we plan to do with it or Isaiah (reluctantly) reads to me until we reach school. Which is totally fine and not really too eventful. And as a master procrastinator who is the duchess of tardiness, for some reason when it comes to Isaiah getting to school, I have managed to have my act remotely together in terms of getting out of the door on time. That's good because it means that, unlike a lot of folks on the roads during that time, I'm mostly relaxed and not freaking out.

Yeah.

So the other day was unusually more congested. And it seems like every parent had decided to let their kid out of a car somewhere so that they'd need to walk across one of the busy streets we pass. Which is really no big deal since there are like three hundred and twenty trillion crossing guards out there.

Now. Let me just pause for a moment on the crossing guards around Atlanta. At least, in town Atlanta. It appears that they are a combination of police officer-y, sherriff-y people and, when you get super close to the schools, parents who have volunteered. Or. There's one last group that I failed to mention--the elders who, I think, might be retired grandpas and grandmas or just kind civil servants who have agreed to get out of bed at the crickety crack of dawn to keep things on the straight and narrow. And that latter group? Those are the ones that you KNEW not to mess with when you were a kid.

Mmmm hmmmm.

So even though we were at a snail's pace, at one point a light changed and we started going at, like, five miles per hour instead of one. Isaiah and I were singing some Bruno Mars songs in unison so either way we were fine with it all. And right when things began moving, a youngish man in the car in front of us didn't move because he appeared to be fooling around with an iPhone. And me? I give people an obligatory few moments before getting all heavy handed with the horn. Fortunately, I didn't have to obnoxiously toot anything--but only because the person behind ME already did. Yeah. So iPhone-dude lets his foot up off of the brake and eases on down the road. And all was well.

Uuuuu, not so fast.

Here's the problem. He was still holding his phone in his hand and apparently texting. And, look, I'm just saying--we were literally going zero point two miles per hour, but still. iPhone-dude, who I then noted to be also wearing some Apple earbuds, too, allowed his late model sedan to roll straight into the cross walk. But not just any cross walk. He made the great mistake of texting mindlessly whilst entering the hallowed lines of. . . . . wait for it. . . . the the Super Cross Crossing Guard.

DUNH-DUNT-DUUUUUNNNNNNHHH!

O. Em. GEE-zy.

So, clearly, the Super Cross Crossing guard wasn't in the first two subtypes of crossing guards. Nope, she wasn't a cop and no ma'am, no sir, she wasn't a parent who'd volunteered. This lady appeared to be in that aforementioned and deeply feared last group--and, like I said, she wasn't the one to be . . .uuuhhh. . .crossing.

First, let me describe her to you. So picture this seventy-something year old woman with a closely cropped salt and pepper afro in a bright-bright yellow jacket and a pair of garden gloves holding a lighted stop sign. Imagine a pair of half moon glasses perched on the tip of her nose and a facial expression that should serve as the gold standard for the original mean mug. Face serious. Brow furrowed. And a hand perched so hard on her hip and arms waving so animated-like that you can't help but smile to yourself.

Dude. She was SERIOUS about this gig, do you hear me? SERIOUS. Matter of fact, she reminded me a lot of Martin Lawrence's "Otis" character from the Martin sitcom back in the day.

Yeah. Like that.

You can ask Isaiah to affirm that I am NOT exaggerating one bit before I tell you what happened next. Okay. So it turns out that there were like five kids ranging from little ones to high schoolers in that cross walk when he stuck the nose of his BMW into it. And iPhone-dude was probably so in his own world trying to figure out what the hell was going on with his new iOS7 that he was in total la-la land.

But that didn't last long.

Let me tell you. That crossing guard lady leaped into the air like a ninja and landed with a giant karate chop down on the hood of his car. And her fluorescent jacket was blinking and her eyes were kind of blinking, too.

"HEEEEEEEEEYYYY!!!!!! WHAT IS YOU DOING!!???!! DON'T YOU SEE THESE KIDS TRYING TO CROSS THIS CROSS WALK??!!!!"

Okay, so iPhone dude nearly jumped into the passenger seat when that happened. Damn, he was startled. And I think he just sort of froze in terror at the sight of her blinking jacket, blinking eyes, and ninja posturing.

Then. THEN y'all ain't gonna believe me when I say this but I promise it's true. The Super Cross Crossing Guard does this wrist rotation gesture telling him to roll down his window. You know--the kind that mimics the old school windows that weren't automated but instead required a rotating handle. And I think the dude was just so freaked out by the whole thing that he did exactly as he was told.

LAWD.

What did he do that for? Maaaaan, please. When I tell you that that Super Cross Crossing Guard WENT OFF on him? I'm talking WENT THE *bleep* OFF! Aaaaaw man. She was hot. I was 99% sure that she was going to whip off her belt with a one hand motion, fold it in half, yank him out of his car and then commence to whipping his behind like a child that just got caught stealing in church.  So the poor dude has the nerve to still be holding the phone in his hand and wearing the headphones.

"GET OFF THAT DAMN PHONE!! THAT'S YO' PROBLEM RIGHT THERE!! YOU 'ROUND HERE TEXT-MESSAGING SOMEBODY AND NOT LOOKING WHERE YOU GOING AND NOW YOU 'BOUT TO RUN ONE O' THESE KIDS OVER!!!"

And, okay. I mean, dang. iPhone dude was wrong, but this was cold blooded. Everybody could hear and what's worse is that folks were hooping and honking in approval. Ha. And you know what? That's not where it ended. He had the nerve to say something back to her. Yes. He did.

"I'm sooooorry, ma'am! But you don't have to be so rude about it!"

Now me? Maaan, I had my head ALL out the window because I didn't want to miss a single word. And seeing as I grew up with all sorts of elderly folks just like this Super Cross Crossing Guard, I knew this was not about to end pretty. No, 'twas not.

She got ALL UP in his face. Yes, she did. (He had rolled down the window remember?)

"RUDE?!! OH, YOU AIN'T SEEN RUDE!!! AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING--WAIT A MINUTE!!--GET THEM DAMN HEADPHONES OUT YO' EARS WHILE SOMEBODY TALKING TO YOU!!!!"

And yes, again he did as told. I think having a grandmama shouting at him like that just put his actions on some sort of autopilot. I don't know. But wait, where was I? Oh, yeah. So she kept going off.

"IF YOU HAD HIT ONE O' THESE BABIES WITH THAT CAR??!!! YOU WOULDA BEEN WISHING I WOULD BE RUDE WITH YOU!!! NOW PUT THAT DAMN PHONE UP AND PUT YO' EYES ON WHAT YOU S'POSED TO BE DOING!!! GET ON OUT OUR WAY, HEAR?!"

And with that, she was done. As a matter of fact, she slapped the side of his car with her hand like it was somebody's bottom. And that part? I think that might have been the funniest part of all.

Maaan, Isaiah and I laughed all the way to his school after that. And we kept saying stuff like, "GIT OFF THAT PHONE!!!" every time we drove past somebody who was on their phone. (Don't worry, they couldn't hear us.)

Yawn.

So my point in telling you that? Oh, absolutely none whatsoever. It was just super funny so I couldn't keep it between just Isaiah and me.

Wait--I do have something that this made me think about. So. . .everyone was sort of forgiving of the Super Cross Crossing Guard even though she was ridiculously hard core. I mean. . .people were literally CHEERING and clapping from their cars. I'm really not kidding. I think there is like a certain age that a person reaches where they have carte blanche access for just going off on people. I mean, as long as it's in reason and isn't something crazy or discriminatory, you know?

Like, in the hospital, I see some of the Grady elders and they have no problem saying exactly what they are thinking no matter what. Today, this Grady elder looked at me and said, "Why you got on glasses?" And I said, "I wear glasses some days and contact lenses on the other days." And that lady pushed her lips straight up to her nostrils like she just smelled something bad. "Mmmm. I don't like them glasses on you AT ALL." And you know? I just sort of rolled with it.

 So I am just thinking that maybe that Super Cross Crossing Guard had reached the threshold of something even higher than backhanded comments about glasses. She had moved all the way on up to karate chops and even insisting that a grown ass man get off of his phone AND take his ear buds out.

Ha.

Now. If any of you happen to be reading this on your iPhone while driving?

GET OFF THAT DAMN PHONE!! THAT'S YO' PROBLEM RIGHT THERE!!!

Bwwwaaaah! Ha ha.

Okay, that's all I've got. What random shenanigans have you witnessed lately? Do tell. And have you ever seen somebody who just took their job super, duper serious like this?

***
Happy Thursday.

And here's a little more of Ol' Otis for you. . . ha ha ha. . .