Bust a move(ment).

Dude.

If I had a dollar for every time I counseled a patient about their sluggish bowel habits, I'd be a gabillionaire. For reals.

Bowels. There is not a day that goes by where I don't talk about them, ask about them, and make plans for them. Seriously. Because if I don't know ANYTHING else, I know this:

People do NOT like it when their bowels aren't moving.

When I'm rounding in the hospital, that's always a question I ask. And if they aren't moving, I make sure to do something to fix that. I do, because bowels that don't move make people unhappy. And that isn't just an issue with hospitalized patients.

No, 'tis not.

So, yeah. In the hospital, I know there can be tons of reasons for bowels going on strike, but outside of the hospital? That's a different story. Usually it's the person with the typical Western diet. Low on fiber, high on refined sugars. They ramble off a recall of foods they've eaten for the last few days, and you understand why things aren't moving and grooving.

So what happens next? Well. I do everything I can to avoid having them take a bunch of pills to soften their movements. I talk all about adding fiber and all that stuff which is usually met with a slightly hairy eyeball. OR it's met with a whole soliloquy about how they ARE eating a ton of fiber.

Then, I started realizing how many conversations I've had with people who aren't my patients but who have locked up innards. And to them I say the same thing. Eat the right things and your bowels will be a no-strain zone.

Yup.

So they ask me for specifics and I tell them. And you know? If they follow what I told them, those suckers get to pumpin' in know time. And let me tell you, there's no gratitude like poop gratitude. Seriously. Okay, so. .  .over time, I've gotten to be a bit cocky about my ability to get things going. And since I am 100% sure that at least one person reading this either lives with someone who STAYS constipated all the time or personally is a once-per-week pooper who get's super miserable by day 6, I will bring my fool proof, stealthy non-pharmacologic bowel program straight to you for no charge.

Okay. You ready?

Step one:  Drink plenty of water. Soft bowels have lots of water in them. Duh.

Step two:  Eat more fiber.

But how is that supposed to happen? Or better yet, how can I get this stubborn person I live with to eat more fiber?

Bwwwwah ha ha haaaaaa! Guess no more, people. That's what you have ME for!

For you non-lactose intolerant people, one of the easiest ways to get your fiber on is through cereal. And no. Not just any cereal. The real, true high fiber ones.

I bring you exhibit A.

Let me be clear on something: All raisin bran cereals are NOT created equal. I personally think the Post brand not only tastes better, it has a crap-ton (no pun intended) of fiber in it. And what constitutes a "crap-ton?" Well, I'd say anything that gives you more than 30% of your daily allowance of fiber in one fell swoop totally meets that criteria.

This alone might do the trick.

I'm also a big fan of Frosted Mini-wheats. I actually suggest them to people as a midmorning or midafternoon snack. They're tasty and super high in fiber. I regularly pack these in my kids' lunchboxes. It keeps them moving and grooving--and does so inconspicuously.

I pack them for myself, too. Although as "the regulator" it is for less urgent reasons than some others in my household.

Ah hem.

Mini-wheats do a solid job with 23% of your daily allowance of fiber. That combined with a piece of fruit in a lunch box on whole wheat bread? Chile please.

And for those who are concerned about the crap-ton of sugar that can be found in these? Another great consideration is this:

 

 

I added this part in for Sweet Jo who made that very good point in the comments. Everyone isn't ready for Grape Nuts. I personally love them and am happy to sprinkle them on salads, in yogurt or in just about anything. But my feeling is that for this to work, it has to be something that the person will actually eat. I am the only one in my house willing to eat this. So as for the sugars, I recommend remembering that moderation is the key and that the likelihood of your BMI skyrocketing because of Raisin Bran alone is virtually zero.

Hmmm. What else?

Oh. This.

 

You've got to move to move. For reals. One of the biggest reasons (I think) that people have sluggish bowels is because they have sluggish bodies. The gut is lined with MUSCLE. Muscles need oxygen and blood flow and all that good stuff to work their best. People who exercise are less likely to have issues with regularity.

Yup.

Dark green leafies go without saying. We know that those are great sources of iron but also fiber. So mix some spinach and kale into that salad. Do it people.

And now for my ace in the hole. . . . . which I say is non-pharmacologic but I guess you could consider this like a med of sorts. . . .

The clear, soluble fiber supplement. 

OH. EM. GEE.

This stuff is genius. It's tasteless. It's odorless. It's not grainy or gritty. And it works.

The brand names ones are things like "Benefiber" or "Fibersure." I'm too cheap for that so I just get the Target brand. It's all the same.

You know how that Frank's Red Hot lady says, "I put that SH*T on everything!"

Well, I need to be on a commercial saying, "I put that SH*T in everything!"



It dissolves best in hot things. So I throw a few tablespoons in spaghetti sauce, chili, chicken and dumplings. . .you name it. If it can be stirred, I've made it into something higher in fiber. Oh and boo-ed up people? If you are kind like me and prepare your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or partner's coffee for them in the morning?

BBBAAAAAA-DDOOOOWWWW!

And all I will say is that any loving significant other who prepares meals and such in their homes should make no apologies for putting their loved ones on "a little plan" as I like to call it. And "little plans" are more than just about moving bowels. It's nothing for Harry to be like, "Damn, did you put the food up already?" And I say, "Yep." Then he says, "Dang. Am I on a little plan or something?" To which I reply, "Yup."

Ha.

Surely do.

And so. I say to you all. Who needs laxative pills? I'd say it's the person who isn't doing the things mentioned above. This plan gets even the most stubborn innards going.

And YES the caveats are things like taking iron or chronic opioid medications. But MOST people who are constipated DO NOT fall into this category. So there.

Eat fiber. Drink water. Get up offa that thang. Move your bowels. And then repeat.

Come on, people! Let's start a movement!!! Let's start several of them!

Bwwah ha ha ha.

That's all I got this morning. How you doing?

***
Happy Friday.