Team S.J.G.R. Thursday Huddle #8: It's a no.

Food is good. At least, it can be. I mean. . . . it comes in so many forms. Hot and toasty. Sweet and gooey. Creamy and luscious. Crispy, crunchy and salty. When I think of my favorite foods, I can't help but break out in song like those little orphan boys in Oliver!



Food, glorious food!

Yeah man.

But here's the thing. Since we are Team S.J.G.R. and we recognize the REALNESS, we know that we (say it together):  LOSE WEIGHT in the KITCHEN and GET FIT in the GYM. In other words, no amount of side bends or sit ups will minimize that bedonkadonk unless you manage the fork, the spoon and the knife.

Which sucks, right? Because FOOD IS GOOD.

Here's what I decided. Being alive and well right now is better. Hanging out with my sons and the BHE is more awesome than anything tastes. And so. I do my best to focus on those things. I sure do.

But it's not always so easy, is it? I mean the food part. So can I tell you something that has helped me? I call the "It's a no" list. These are the foods and beverages that, under nearly all circumstances, I have decided are just not anywhere near worth it. Ever. Which in my head makes me say the following thing when they are in my presence:  "It's a no."

And yes. All inclusive vacations are my only partial caveat. But even then I still hear it in my head so that I don't go crazy. I'd suggest creating such a list in your own head. It will totally help you to shut down things that somehow find a place in front of you.

And because I am SURE that you are so curious and that you aren't busy at work right now (ha ha) I wrote a little top ten about it. Like to hear it? Here it go.

THE TOP TEN FOODS OR BEVERAGES THAT JUST ARE NOT WORTH THE DONK-DAMAGING EFFECTS THAT THEY CAN LEAD TO. (FOR YOU NOVICE PEOPLE: "DONK" IS SHORT FOR "BEDONKADONK" OR IT CAN BE SHORT FOR "DONKEY BUTT" DEPENDING UPON WHO YOU ASK. )

And I guess I should say that given the proper amount of squats and lunges, some "donks" are considered an. . . asset. No pun intended.

But a lot of DONKS are not the result of great lower body resistance work. They are the kind that come from NOT resisting things going into the mouth. You feel me?

Here we go:


#10  Hot dogs.

There is nothing as delicious as a good ol' kosher Hebrew National hot dog. Lawd. But at 10 to 15 grams of fat each and half of your daily allowance of salt?  It ain't that good, baby.

It's a no for me.

Even the turkey ones. Because the sodium in them all is horrid. I'd rather eat one full fat beef dog than a reduced fat turkey one. Because with the latter I just think, why? Rarely at a cook out, I will have a hot dog. But mostly, it's a no.

#9  Frozen drinks.

A 400 calorie beverage?  Uhhh, yeah. That's a no for me. All I can think of is the "every 100 calories = one mile" rule. I ask myself, "Is this four miles worth of yummy?"

Then I order a Mexican beer instead of that margarita.

Unless I'm on vacation or it's a skinny margarita. But mostly, it's a no.

#8  Chicken wings.

Sure I'll eat one or two flats. But I almost never order them for myself to just sit there and eat. Chicken wings are loaded with fat no matter how they are cooked. I'm talking a crap ton of fat.

Which, for me, makes them a buffalo NO.

#7  Baked white potato.

I could write a book on the white potato and the horrible blood sugar swings it causes. Wanna get your DONK up fast? Eat a potato. A white potato that is.

And yes. The red-skin ones count.

Your better bet is a sweet potato. For reals.

I was behind a woman in the cafeteria last week who was paying for her food. She opened the container and inside was a big ol' baked white potato. She had a little bit of sour cream on the side (just a little) and some broccoli and shredded cheese. That's it. And the cashier asked if she was on a diet, to which she said, "Yeah girl. I'm watching these hips!" Then she patted them. Which made her DONK almost shake onto my food tray.

Mmm hmmm.

Do you think I stayed in my lane?  Well? Do you?

Ha. I will keep you guessing.

#6  Random soda and juice consumption.

Come on, son. Not even worth it. I mean. . . just. . .why?Drinking calories? Yeah, that's a no.

#5  Cheesecake.

I like cheesecake. But I don't love it. Cheesecake is like Key Lime pie. You should eat it only if you ABSOLUTELY LOVE it. Otherwise, make it a 600 calorie NO.

And if you love it? Have it only in moderation. Don't let it up into your house or else you'll eat the whole thing.

#4 Muffins.

For the most part, they're a no for me. Since a muffin top is not the look I'm going for. Uhh, no 'tis not.

#3  Chik-fil-A milk shakes

Nearly one thousand calories. Not even kidding. Between that and the aftermath of combining it with my forty-something lactose intolerance? Lawd.  It's a no.

#2  Non-delicious pizza.

Pizza is hella-fattening. It just is. Yet a really, really good pizza is worth the damage and the things you have to do to make up for it. That said, certain pizzas are JUST NOT WORTH IT.

A real, true, legit Neopolitan pizza? Worth it. Some cold Papa Johns left over from your kids' play date? Not so much.

Take a bite. Ask yourself--is this absolutely DELICIOUS? Like four to five miles worth of DELICIOUSNESS? If not, it's a no.

Pizza Hut. No. Dominoes. No. Three-day-old pizza of any kind? Hell to the no.

Note: MOST pizza is not exceptional. Save your pizza consumption for those times when it is. Unless you want a DONK and a MUFFIN TOP.

#1  Croissants. 

Okay. Can I just tell you how much I personally love the taste of a heated up and yummy croissant? But dude. There is NOTHING about that food that justifies the fat-bomb it comes with. No way, no how. As a matter of fact, I mostly don't even let my kids have them.

Dead serious.

You know what makes croissants so delish? The fact that they drown every last thread of it in BUTTER and OIL. And then redrown it in some more. Just in time for you to slap some sausage and cheese on it and drown it even more.

Chile please.

It's a no. Matter of fact, it's a HELL to the no.

Ha.

***

These girls make SMART choices. And they have the fit donks to prove it.

The bottom line: Food can be glorious. But. Some things just have to be an absolute no. Everything can't be a maybe or a sometimes if you ask me. You need some nos. Some absolute nos to balance out your hell yeses. Real talk, people.

And yes. Sh*t just got real. Again.


***

That's all I got today. Do you have a "no" list? What's on it?

 I wish these songs weren't on my mental iPod but they are. . . . ode to the "donks."