What feels right.

When I woke up this morning, I did what I always do. I beelined straight for my coffee maker and started my coffee brewing. Then I went into the sunroom to relax on the couch in anticipation of that coffee aroma that wafts over from the kitchen every single time. 

The sun was already up but the sky was the same eerie shade of grey that it had been the day before. Which made sense because, just like yesterday, it was raining. Still raining. And you know? This rain we've been getting has been weird. It's like it has this funky on-off switch that alternates between sheets of torrential downpours and nothing at all. So, yeah. That's pretty much what was still going on when I woke up this morning.

After having my coffee, I curled up on the couch with a book for a few moments. Then I remembered that I needed to eat something to nourish my body and to keep my metabolism going. I thought about Team S.J.G.R. and how little decisions like not eating add up to big mistakes later. And so I ate.

Harry woke up and I fed him, too. And yes, I feed my husband. Which I should take a moment to digress upon.

I never, ever nagged Deanna about food or much of anything health related. I mean, we'd have conversations about these things but they were always initiated by her. I never wanted her to feel bad or uncomfortable in my presence. But Harry? Now that's a totally different story.

Ask the BHE about my approach to food and his health and he would describe it in three words: IN. HIS. FACE. (Or rather, ON. HIS. NERVES.) Yeah. So all of the non-nagging that I didn't do in one instance was saved up for poor Harry. And you know what? Nagging people isn't really so effective.

It's not.

So you know what? One day the BHE and I had a heart-to-heart about all of this. About his love of food and my love of nagging. About exercise and family history and missing Deanna and missing his daddy and loving our kids. And we explored what we could do for each other to help and what we could not do, too. And that conversation was good. It really was.

We agreed that we needed to acknowledge the fact that S.J.G.R. That not only did my father have a heart attack in his mid-fifties but so did his father. Which means we both have a family history. We discussed how much we both miss Deanna and how we need to do our best to protect our hearts.

"But like constantly sweating me and making me feel bad isn't good for me," he said.

"I feel scared sometimes. I love you too much to just sit there sometimes. Like I need to say something -- like it's my responsibility."

"I mean, Babe, nobody handles me better than you. You know that isn't the way to get me to do anything. You know that."

And, sure, there was more to that conversation but that part is the part I pondered the most. So you know what? I thought about his words and about my husband and how I manage certain things when it comes to him. That often involves planning. Planning is always good when it comes to my husband and kids. Whenever I do, they go with my flow.

Sure do.

So I started doing just that. Planning and executing. Not his life but a lot of little things. Because very rarely will he derail such things. And I know that about him but had somehow let myself forget when it came to food and wellness and had instead replaced it with nagging.

What's this mean? Well. I pack his lunch with healthy foods and snacks. I fill up a water bottle. Every day. I make him breakfast and simply say, "Your breakfast is in there." And sometimes it's something hot but a lot of times it's just some cereal. I am cooking dinner more. And when I don't, I still plan what we'll eat even if I'm buying it. And some days, he is out and about and does what he wants. But most days he pretty much goes with what's easiest (which is what's already been planned) without much fuss. So I plan more these days. And when I do that he eats it. Instead of a bunch of crap.

Yep.

See, my husband is an on-the-go and stress-fueled eater. Planning is the panacea. And subtlety works best for him in all things. Not in-yo-face nagging.

Oh yeah. I also got him a FLEX fitband (by Fitbit) to track his activity, sleep, and exercise. I have the Fitbit (which I'm obsessed with) and this has motivated us both. Which is really, really great. I make doctor's appointments, too. Sure do. And that's what works for us.

So yeah, that's that part.

So after breakfast and our daily Harry & Kimberly bonding chit-chat time, I read some and even dozed off for a bit. Then my eyes opened up and I realized that I'd been on the couch for nearly three hours. I sat up and declared in my head that I would do some exercise for my heart. Since lately that means running, I stared out the window to see where the rainy light switch was.

On.

Then came the excuses.

It's raining. I got my hair done yesterday. I did GOOD on Thursday, remember? I ran my first 10K, remember? My weight is at a good place! I made good food choices this week! I deserve to reward myself with some luscious rainy day couch time!

And so on and so forth. Then I remembered that S.J.G.R. and that none of those things were reasonable explanations for not giving my heart at least thirty minutes of moderate activity. So I threw on my sneakers, grabbed my keys, and headed out to the YMCA to run on the treadmill and mess around with a few free weights.

So I got there and started running. And you know? I told myself to think about my heart and what I was doing. And at first that made me very, very happy. It did. And I thought about the fact that I was running faster than usual but that I felt good which meant my cardiovascular fitness had improved since I first started. That made me happy, too.

But then I started thinking about all of you and my sissy. I felt this complex mixture of extreme happiness and sorrow. Which either way you slice it made me want to cry.

Yeah.

See, I struggle sometimes with wishing I'd done more to try to encourage Deanna. Then I start feeling bad and feeling like I failed her. But when that happens I quiet my mind and let myself hear her voice. And today, more than ever, I did. I did. I silenced my iPod and listened for her. And heard her speaking to me straight from my heart where a part of her now lives.

"This was how it had to be, Kimberly. And you of all people know that nothing good comes from guilt and worry so don't do that. This is amazing what's happening. People are going to be less afraid. And I love knowing that we are all a part of that. Together--me, you, and JoLai. Okay, Pookie?"

So I heard her and felt better. But then my mind went crazy wondering how to make this all translate into something real. Not just a feel good read that gets handed around but a real, true paradigm shift that turns the world on its axis. That makes families and couples and individuals think through ways to do better that work for them without guilt or nagging or any of those things that don't work.

So yeah. I'm still pondering that. I think I'm going to make a vision board for Team S.J.G.R. I want to dream big and try to blow my own mind. Ha ha ha. . . yeah. Blow my own mind, man.

And look, don't worry or anything. I'm learning that this is all just a part of my walk and talking about it all and thinking about it here mostly makes me feel peaceful and better than anything else. And charged up, too. To do the things I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm rambling, I know. And listen, to those who read my blog but feel uncomfortable with all of this S.J.G.R. talk, know that I still need this space for writing and sharing stories. For putting my ridiculous top tens out there and recording life with Team Manning, my small groups and the Grady elders. You will still find them here. You will.

But this part? And all of this?  I have to do this, too. I must. So know that I won't be offended if you aren't ready for this or simply aren't feeling it or just damn, not wanting to hear all this reality over and over again and if feeling that way leads you to skip them altogether.

That's cool. It is. In fact, it's more than cool because Harry was right when he said that feeling nagged doesn't work. So if you feel nagged, come back to these posts when you're in a place where you won't. Or whatever feels best and most right to you.

This is what feels right to me.

on the sunroom couch with my sissy's blanket

Yeah. So all of this journey is a work in progress. A piece of me understanding yet another part of the big picture. And especially not being afraid to use the gifts that Deanna always encouraged me and everyone around her to never, ever squander. Ever. Even if it sometimes means crying while running on a treadmill.

Yeah.

***
Happy Late Saturday-Early Sunday.

Now playing on my mental iPod. . . Anthony Hamilton singing "Since I seen't you." Deanna loved his voice. I loved her.