Pipeline.

I missed you in waves this week
Sometimes the little kind
that lap at your ankles
leaving foamy bubbles
over fluorescent-colored pedicures

But then there were the big ones
Building story tall ones
that surfer guys get excited over
but that lifeguards put red flags out for

Yeah
those kind

This week there was so much 
So much I wanted to tell you
Or rather ask you
I needed your influence
your insight
your encouragement
I needed your counsel
and your advice
Yes, I acutely needed those things
this week especially

From you
more than anyone else

Not because of some major catastrophe
No
but more because of little, everyday things
that were stacking up
The kinds of things that you always helped me with
in small doses over kitchen tables
and text messages
without either of us thinking about it

I wanted your perspective
Yours
So I had to dig into my heart
to find it where you'd left it
But every time I did
I could feel the tide rising higher and higher

First, at my feet
Then growing and growing
Knocking me down
and threatening to engulf me
suffocate me

But then I got up
dusted the sand off of me
Yes, I got up
Just like you'd tell me to do
And so I did
and so I do

Wade out into it
Head up and facing the horizon
shoulders back
heart pounding
but with confidence, belief

The kind you always gave me
You, especially you

Out I paddle
further and further
I hear you in my ear
You got this, sissy
You got this
And I believe you, I do

I brace myself and feel the wave coming
strong, mighty
building story high and just as intimidating
but this time I won't be knocked down
I remember and I feel you differently
hear you clearly

You got this, sissy
You got this

Up
Up on my feet
hands splayed to keep my balance
heart still beating wildly
salty air and water against my face
I take that wave on
and ride it unafraid

And now I know
now more than ever, I know
that you were a part of my pipeline
so those waves are okay
the ones that roll over my feet
and the ones that curl and crash into the surf

Yes
You were a part of my pipeline
and you always will be

I got this, sissy
I got this

***
Happy Friday.