Music Lyrics Monday: I like the sunrise.

I like the sunrise

I like the sunrise 
'cause it brings a new day
I like the new day 
it brings new hope they say
I like the sunrise 
blazing in the new sky
Night-time is weary
oh, so am I

Every evening I wish upon a star
That my brand new bright tomorrow isn't very far
When that heavy blue curtain of night
Is raised up high way out of sight

I like the sunrise 
so heavenly, so heavenly to see
I like the sunrise
I hope it likes poor me

Here comes the sunrise... 

~  Originally performed by Duke Ellington

_________________________

I like this song. The hopefulness of it. The simplicity of it. I love every version I've heard but something about the sweetness of this artist's voice singing it puts me in a quiet, meditative space.

I am hearing this song differently now. The hope even stronger, the promise greater. Night-time is weary. But the sunrise brings a new day and, with it, new hope.

They say.

Yesterday I was driving on highway 78 toward my mother's house. As I passed Deanna's exit, which came two exits before Tounces', out of habit I picked up my cell phone and started to call her. Doing what I always did. Letting her know that we would be at Mom's and to come over and meet us. And I swear to you, as sure as I am sitting here--in that tiny split second it seemed like none of this had happened and that she'd pick up the phone and say, "Hey Sissy!"

Yeah. So that. That punched me in my chest hard. And I let it. I drove and wept as my kids watched Pokemon in the back seat. Because at that moment, I wanted nothing more than that mundane act of sitting at a kitchen table with my sister. Talking about what we liked to call "a whole bunch of nothing."

The other hard thing I've been noticing is tense. Like, I struggle with tense when it comes to my sister. The finality of past tense doesn't feel right. Saying, for example, that I'm "one of four" isn't so hard. But I can't get my mind around words like "had" and "was." This is one of those things that people who have experienced loss close to home probably nod their heads over as they read this.

So. I carefully choose those words. I dance around tense and push my mind to straddle them all. Past. Present. Future.

In response to a question about my family this weekend:

"I'm the middle girl of four. Eldest son, three daughters." 

Because I still am.

While straightening my niece Olivia's hair yesterday:

"Your hair reminds me of Auntie Deanna's. Fine and soft."

Because it does.

To Isaiah before he left for school:

"Your project looks amazing. Remember what Auntie said? 'We always do more than is asked.'"

Because we do.

That takes some forethought. I admit that I'm still struggling with things like "would have" and "could have." I'm sure it sounds a little crazy but it's just me trying to process through this bumpy and sticky reality. The one that involves me passing Mountain Industrial Boulevard and not calling Deanna to meet me.

Sigh.

But, see, that's why I like the sunrise. Because this morning it brought me happy thoughts and rich memories of my funny, creative, amazing sister. And hope that I will eventually adjust to this new normal.

You know? I know that I will, too.  Because the sunrise brings new hope.

They say.

***
Happy Monday.



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