Top Ten: Heard in Grady Today.

I'm back on the Grady wards. For those who don't regularly read this blog or who are new here, it means that I'm taking care of patients on the hospital service instead of just in the clinic. Even though it's hard work, the ward service is my favorite place to care for patients.

Rounds today were rich and good. My patients have already captured pieces of my heart and taken me on a roller coaster of emotions. And it's only the second day of the month.

And so. On day two I bring you:

THE TOP TEN THINGS I HEARD 

IN GRADY HOSPITAL TODAY

Like to hear it? Here it go!


#10  --  Response to a query:

Me:  "How are you feeling today?"

Him:  "Baby, just call me James Brown. I feel GOOD!"


#9  --  She said it, not me.

An elderly couple sees me sitting at the nurses' station writing notes. They are looking for a family member on the ward and decided to ask me to help them. Just as I am preparing to direct them to the unit clerk, a young woman walks by wearing the world's most obscenely short Daisy Duke shorts. The only thing more fraught with peril than the high percentage of butt cheek hanging out of the back of them was the cottage cheese appearance of everything else.

The elderly lady (who cannot be anything less than 90 years old) wrinkles her nose and purses her lips so hard I thought she'd just sucked a lemon. Then she looks over at her husband (who cannot be anything less than 100 years old) and says in her gravelly voice, "If that girl was my child, I'd pull a switch off the nearest bush and beat her tail for walking through a hospital looking like that."

His response?

"Yeah. That child look a HOT ASS MESS."

Love. This. Place.


#8 -- Man versus disease

Him:  "I'm not afraid to die. . . . I'm not."

Me:  "Wow."

Him:  "Are you?"

Me:  "Me? Kind of. Or rather. . . .yes. I mean, right now I would be."

Him:  "Not me. I'm only afraid of not knowing what's going on."

Me:  "Hmmm. Do you feel like you know what's going on?"

Him:  "I think so."

Me:  "So you're not afraid?"

Him:  "Naw, sugar."

Me:  Silence

Him:  "So don't you be afraid for me neither, hear?"


#7  -- As seen on TV.

Her:  "Don't you be on channel 5?"

Him:  "Sho' does. She sho' do be on channel 5."

Her:  "I thought you was waaay bigger."

Him: "TV make people look bigger."

Her: "Mmmm hmm. Waaaay bigger."


#6 -- DISS-oriented

Me:  "Sir, can you tell me where you are?"

Him:  "Grady!"

Me: "Great! Can you tell me what the year is?"

Him:  "Twelve!"

Me:  "Awesome! Can you tell me who the --"

Him:  "Obama the president and his wife name is Michelle. Now stop asking me all these stupid ass questions and get me up out of here."


#5  -- Tell me how you really feel.

Nurse #1: "Dr. Manning, I like your hair with the grey coming in!"

Nurse #2:  "Oooo-weeee! I don't. At all."


#4  -- Mistaken identity

Me:  "Hello there! This must be your lovely wife!"

Him:  "Naw, tha's just my old lady."

Old lady:  *TING* (sound effect for big, proud smile.)


#3  -- First one smell't it dealt it.

Her:  "Do you smell that?"

Me:  "Smell what?"

Her:  "I passed some gas under them covers so I was afraid you mighta smellt it when you pulled 'em back."

Me:  0_o


#2  --  A little bit of Marvin Gaye to set the mood.

Overheard someone singing this in a high falsetto while working:

"Dance with me, come on dance. . .with me baby. . .I want you. . .and you want me. . . .so why don't we. . . .get together after the dance. . . . When I first saw ya' babe. . . .you were lookin' good. . . on Soul Train. . .ohhh hoooooo. . . .

Complete with the old school Marvin Gaye finger snap. It was awesome.




#1  -- Youthful glow.

Nurse:  "Excuse me, doctor. Are you the intern for this team?"

Me:  "I'm not the intern for any team. But you're my new best friend for thinking I am."

***
Yeah, it was a good day. Happy Saturday.

And now playing on my mental iPod. . . . Mr. Marvin Gaye infuses the Star Spangled Banner with more soul than it has ever and will ever see again. Love, love, love this. Could watch it a million times.